Politicians Are Self-Important Dickheads

Dear Every State and Local Politician:

Let me start off by mentioning how unimportant you are. You're not any more of a person than anyone else. Therefore, you have no excuse to be invading my personal space, stepping on my feet, and making a racket (whilst sober) at the restaurant you think you're so cool for going to because it's local and you're a bigshot who thinks he'll get more votes by pretending to be a down-to-earth, friendly person who can hang out with commoners (no!) when really you just belong in that restaurant anyway, because you're here, the restaurant's there, and you need somewhere to eat. JUST LIKE THE REST OF US. That means you're not cool. I've had enough of your carrying on loudly and pompously at the table right next to mine, getting elbowed in the gut as you pass by without apology because you think you're of a status so elevated that you can pretend you didn't notice everytime you knock small children to the ground, and your attempts to make me feel inferior for not being a legislator. Yelling across the room when you see a colleague enter does not make you cool and superior for knowing one other person in this whole entire town, and letting everyone else know you've got semi-famous connections. It makes you an asshole for yelling across the room and disrupting my dinner. You local politician-types are such encroaching dickheads that you're even suffocating me as I type, forcing me to construct long, drawn-out, run-on sentences that are extremely rambly and difficult to follow due to my blind rage, such as this particular one. I'm not impressed by the fact that you go to dinner at ten-thirty and still in your suits, because you've had a long, lawmaking day at the office. Nobody is sitting there going, "Oh, wow, look at those guys. They're so well-dressed and well-spoken despite the fact that everyone else in here is sitting at the bar drunk as a skunk. They must have superior, incredibly important jobs to be that cool. We should look up to them, for clearly they are gods." No. Instead, this is what everybody is thinking of you: "Stop wasting my tax dollars on Armani suits and start legalizing gay marriage, for god's sake." So maybe the next time you want to have an All-American, average-Joe experience, don't go bothering the rest of us folks by having it at a restaurant. Go home and cook for your children. If you know how to cook.

You're just like the rest of us but in nicer cars,
Laura